The Role of Empathy in Psychodynamic Couples Therapy

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In any close relationship, feeling truly understood by a partner can be the difference between connection and distance. Yet genuine understanding-empathy-is far harder to practice than it sounds, especially when old emotional wounds and unconscious patterns are at play. Psychodynamic couples therapy treats empathy not as a soft skill but as a core therapeutic mechanism: one that requires partners to actively shift their perceptions based on what the other is actually communicating, rather than what they assume or fear. This distinction sits at the heart of the psychodynamic approach, and understanding it can change the way we think about conflict, closeness, and change in relationships.

Table of Contents

What empathy actually means in couples therapy

Empathy is commonly described as the ability to understand and share another person’s feelings. But in the context of psychodynamic couples therapy, it carries a more specific and demanding meaning. It is not just about acknowledging that a partner feels hurt or frustrated-it involves altering one’s own perception in response to what the partner communicates. When one partner expresses pain, fear, or need, the empathic response requires the listener to move past their immediate emotional reaction and genuinely engage with the deeper meaning behind those words.

Research published by the American Psychological Association on psychodynamic couple therapy identifies empathy as one of the most critical clinical objectives in every session. The goal, as described in that work, is to create a relational environment where partners feel safe enough to reveal more vulnerable emotions-and where empathy is used to facilitate the longed-for sense of being understood and cared for. This is not a passive process. It requires active, ongoing effort from both partners and the therapist.

Phenomenological research on empathy in psychotherapy describes this dynamic as a form of second-person engagement, where both the person expressing an experience and the person receiving it participate in a shared communicative act. When this is fully realized, the person being empathized with recognizes that their experience has genuinely landed-and this recognition has been shown to be an important factor in therapeutic change.

How empathy fosters deeper connection between partners

One of the central mechanisms through which empathy works in psychodynamic couples therapy is by building emotional attunement-the capacity for each partner to be in sync with the other’s inner emotional state. When partners practice empathy consistently, they develop a more accurate read of what the other person is actually feeling and needing, rather than reacting to surface-level behavior.

A cross-sectional study on emotional empathy and couple functioning found that compatible couples who maintain higher levels of intimacy and interpersonal perception also exhibit greater emotional empathy. These partners are better equipped to manage conflict and respond to difficult moments with more constructive emotional responses. In contrast, incompatible couples showed lower empathy alongside weaker adaptability, creating a cycle that is difficult to break without therapeutic support.

Empathy also builds trust. When a partner feels that their emotions are being acknowledged and validated-not dismissed or minimized-they are more likely to open up about vulnerable feelings. As psychodynamic therapists describe it, this safety is not incidental; it is the foundation from which deeper emotional work becomes possible. Partners cannot explore painful unconscious patterns until they feel genuinely safe in the relationship and in the therapeutic space.

It is worth noting that empathy in couples therapy is not just partner-to-partner. Research on empathy and relationship quality among cohabitating couples found that individuals’ capacity for understanding, compassion, and sensitivity was consistently linked to perceptions of higher relationship satisfaction and love-both their own and their partner’s. Importantly, the researchers noted that psychoeducation helping couples recognize how empathy looks and feels could be a valuable component of therapy, enabling individuals to better identify their partner’s empathic expressions.

Empathy versus defensive projective identification

To fully appreciate what empathy does in psychodynamic couples therapy, it helps to contrast it with a process that operates in the opposite direction: projective identification. Originally described by psychoanalyst Melanie Klein, projective identification is a defense mechanism in which a person unconsciously projects disowned parts of their own inner world onto another person-and then relates to that person as though the projection were real.

As described in the psychoanalytic literature, projective identification goes beyond simple projection. Rather than merely attributing a feeling to another person, the projector relates to the other as though they genuinely embody what has been projected-and may even unconsciously pressure the other person to act in ways that confirm the projection. In a couple relationship, this can manifest as one partner consistently perceiving the other as hostile, untrustworthy, or emotionally unavailable, regardless of what the other partner actually says or does.

Research published in the Encyclopedia of Couple and Family Therapy identifies projective identification as a form of interpersonal defense in which individuals recruit others to help them tolerate painful internal states. It notes that while this mechanism was once associated mainly with personality disorders, it is now recognized as operating in distressed couples more broadly. The result is a chronic pattern of misunderstanding and conflict where both partners are reacting not to each other, but to their own unresolved emotional material.

The critical distinction between empathy and projective identification is flexibility of perception. Empathy involves an open, responsive process in which one partner adjusts their understanding based on what the other communicates. Projective identification, in contrast, involves rigid, inflexible perceptions that resist updating-the projection is maintained regardless of the other person’s actual emotional reality. Empathy moves toward the partner; projective identification moves inward, and then distorts what is seen outward.

The therapist’s role in cultivating empathy

In psychodynamic couples therapy, the therapist plays a central role in creating the conditions under which empathy can develop. As practitioners describe it, the couple is the patient-and the therapist’s focus shifts to how the partners communicate, manage conflict, and show empathy for one another. The therapist observes moment-to-moment shifts in interaction, identifies where the couple gets stuck, and intervenes to interrupt defensive cycles before they escalate.

Several concrete strategies support this work. Reflective listening is one of the most commonly used: the therapist paraphrases or restates what a partner has said to ensure accurate understanding, modeling for the couple a way of communicating that prioritizes clarity over defensiveness. By doing this consistently, the therapist demonstrates that understanding is possible-even when the emotional stakes are high.

The therapist also works to identify and name unconscious patterns. As Bay Psychology Group describes, a key aspect of the psychodynamic approach involves exploring the unconscious processes that influence a relationship-many of which stem from early childhood experiences. When these are brought into awareness, partners can begin to understand why they respond to each other the way they do, rather than reacting automatically. This shift from reaction to understanding is essentially the shift from projective identification to empathy.

Psychodynamic clinicians emphasize that the therapist’s own empathy, curiosity, and openness within the session actively model the kind of relating they hope to cultivate in the couple. When the therapist demonstrates the ability to hold multiple emotional realities at once-understanding each partner’s perspective without collapsing into either-they help shift the couple away from defensiveness and toward genuine mutual understanding.

When empathy changes perception: The therapeutic shift

The practical impact of empathy in psychodynamic couples therapy can be seen most clearly in moments of perceptual change. A partner who enters therapy convinced that their partner is indifferent or critical may, through sustained empathic engagement, begin to revise that perception. Not because they have been argued out of it, but because they have genuinely experienced something different-their partner’s actual emotional experience, communicated and received.

A 2025 study published in Couple and Family Psychology used task analysis across 28 recorded couples therapy sessions to model how partners actually convey empathy to one another in therapy. The researchers identified three key sequential components: vulnerability (one partner opening up emotionally), an empathy prompt (a signal that an empathic response is invited), and empathy (the other partner’s responsive, understanding reply). The model suggests that empathy in couples therapy is not spontaneous-it is something that unfolds through a process, and that therapist interventions which support vulnerability and responsiveness are particularly important.

A controlled clinical study on empathy enhancement in couples therapy found significant increases in empathy levels across treatment groups over a 12-week period, with changes occurring at multiple assessment points. The findings reinforce the idea that empathy is not a fixed trait-it can be developed, and therapy can be a meaningful vehicle for doing so. When both partners grow in their capacity for empathy, the relationship dynamic shifts: communication becomes less reactive, conflict becomes less entrenched, and the space for genuine understanding expands.

Why this matters beyond the therapy room

The principles at work in psychodynamic couples therapy reflect something fundamental about how all close relationships function. Defensive projective identification-relating to a partner based on unconscious fears rather than actual communication-is not a pathology confined to therapy clients. It is a human tendency, especially under stress or in relationships with a long history of conflict. What psychodynamic couples therapy offers is a structured opportunity to interrupt this pattern and replace it with something more accurate and more generous: genuine empathy.

The shift is not simply a communication technique. It is a reorganization of perception-a willingness to let another person’s reality actually register, and to revise one’s understanding accordingly. As the psychodynamic literature consistently notes, the outcomes of this process include deeper insight, improved communication, stronger emotional connection, and the resolution of unconscious conflicts that have been driving relational dysfunction. Empathy, in this sense, is not just a therapeutic tool-it is the mechanism through which transformation becomes possible.

What do you think? If empathy requires genuinely updating your perception based on what a partner communicates, what makes that so difficult in moments of conflict? And how might recognizing projective identification in your own responses change the way you engage with someone close to you?

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References
  1. https://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/features/pst-a0032710.pdf
  2. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9589103/
  3. https://www.jnursrcp.com/article_215110.html
  4. https://www.sonoranskyfamilytherapy.com/blog/how-psychodynamic-couples-therapy-works-unpacking-the-why-behind-the-what
  5. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10950301/
  6. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Projective_identification
  7. https://link.springer.com/10.1007/978-3-319-49425-8_18
  8. http://www.leewichman.com/blog/2017/11/5/couples-counseling
  9. https://www.baypsychologygroup.com/services/couples-therapy-from-a-psychodynamic-perspective/
  10. https://ifp.nyu.edu/2025/journal-article-abstracts/cfp0000244/
  11. https://www.brehms.eu/imago-paartherapie/wp-content/uploads/sites/4/2019/02/Schmidt_Gehlert_Empathy-and-Imago.pdf
  12. https://www.talktoangel.com/therapies/psychodynamic-couples-therapy
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Psychotherapeutic Methods

1 Psychoanalysis, Psychoanalytic/Psychodynamic Therapy

  1. Psychoanalysis
  2. Theoretical Models
  3. Freudian Psychoanalytical Theory
  4. Basic Human Drives
  5. Structural and Topographical Models of Personality
  6. Stages of Psychosexual Development
  7. Ego Defense Mechanisms
  8. Limitations
  9. Object Relations Theory
  10. Symbiosis and Separation/Individuation
  11. Self Identity and Gender Identity
  12. Reproduction of Social Patterns
  13. Self Psychology
  14. Attachment Theory
  15. Lacanian Psychoanalysis
  16. Postmodern Schools
  17. Psychoanalytic/ Psychodynamic Therapy
  18. Basic Tenets and Concepts of Psychoanalytic Therapy
  19. Components of Psychoanalytic and Psychodynamic Psychotherapy
  20. Distinctive Features of Psychodynamic Technique

2 Insight Psychotherapy, Interpersonal Psychotherapy

  1. Insight Psychotherapy
  2. Psychoanalysis
  3. Analytical Psychology
  4. Existential Therapy
  5. Person Centered Therapy
  6. Evaluation of Insight Therapies
  7. Behaviour Therapies
  8. Gestalt Therapy
  9. Interpersonal Psychotherapy (IPT)
  10. Characteristics of Interpersonal Psychotherapy
  11. Techniques of Interpersonal Therapy

3 Short Term Psychotherapies

  1. Short Term Psychotherapy
  2. Defining Features of Short Term Therapies
  3. Psychodynamic Approaches
  4. David Malan and the Triangle of Insight
  5. The Work of Habib Davanloo
  6. Anxiety-Provoking and Anxiety-Suppressive Therapies
  7. The Work of James Mann
  8. Cognitive and Behavioural Approaches
  9. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and Cognitive Therapy
  10. Interpersonal Therapy
  11. Problem-Solving Therapy (PST)
  12. Computerised CBT and Guided Self-Help
  13. Relational Approaches
  14. Time Limited Dynamic Psychotherapy (TLDP)
  15. Psychodynamic Interpersonal Therapy (PIT)
  16. Brief Relational Therapy (BRT)
  17. Cognitive Analytic Therapy (CAT)
  18. Pragmatic, Eclectic Therapies
  19. Interpersonal, Developmental and Existential Therapy (IDE)
  20. The Work of Garfield
  21. Winston and Winston
  22. Very Brief Therapy
  23. Motivational Interviewing
  24. Solution-Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT)

4 Methods of Child Psychotherapy

  1. Psychoanalytic Approaches
  2. Parent Infant Psychotherapy
  3. Mentaliseren Bevorderende Kinder Therapy (MBKT)
  4. Attachment Based Interventions
  5. Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy
  6. ‘Circle of Security’
  7. Attachment and Biobehavioural Catch-Up (ABC)
  8. Play Therapy
  9. Parent Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT)
  10. The Developmental, Individual-Difference and Relationship-Based Model (DIR)

5 Behaviour Modification Techniques

  1. Behaviour Modification
  2. Characteristics of Behaviour Modification
  3. Historical Overview of Behaviour Modification
  4. Observing and Recording Behaviour
  5. Respondent Conditioning and Counterconditioning
  6. Operant Conditioning
  7. Operant Conditioning Procedures
  8. Contingency Contracting
  9. Decreasing Undesirable Behaviours
  10. Areas of Application

6 Cognitive Behaviour Therapies (Including Rational Emotive Therapy)

  1. History of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy
  2. Theory of Causation
  3. Dysfunctional Thinking
  4. Steps in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy
  5. The Process of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy

7 Solution Focused Therapy

  1. Solution Focused Therapy (SFT)
  2. Ingredients of Solution Focused Therapy
  3. The Practice of Solution Focused Therapy
  4. Focal Issue
  5. The Message

8 Integrative and Multimodal Therapies

  1. Integrative Psychotherapy
  2. Historical Overview of the Integrative Movement
  3. Different Ways to Psychotherapy Integration
  4. Evidence-Based Therapy and Integrative Practice
  5. Multimodal Therapy

9 Roger’s Client Centered Therapy

  1. Views of Human Nature
  2. Goals of Client Centered Therapy
  3. The Counselling Process
  4. Intervention Strategies
  5. Counselling Relationship

10 Family and Group Psychotherapy

  1. History and Theoretical Frameworks of Family Therapy
  2. Techniques of Family Therapy
  3. Models of Family Therapy
  4. Group Therapy vs. Individual Therapy
  5. Therapeutic Principles

11 Psychodynamic Couple Therapy

  1. Nature and Definition of Couples Therapy
  2. Approaches to Couples Therapy
  3. Psychodynamic Therapy and Couples Counseling
  4. Systems Approach and Couples Counseling
  5. Client Centered Therapy
  6. Behavioral Approach
  7. Psychodynamic Couples Therapy: An Object Relations Approach
  8. Clinical Illustration and Analysis: Conflict as a Safe Haven
  9. Projective Identification
  10. Empathy
  11. Transference
  12. Clinical Illustration and Case Analysis
  13. Use of Transference in Couples Therapy
  14. Clinical Illustration and Case Analysis
  15. The Frame of Object Relations Couples Therapy

12 Psychotherapy Integration

  1. Definition of Integrative Psychotherapy
  2. Historical Overview of the Integrative Movement
  3. Variables Responsible for Growth of Psychotherapy Integration
  4. Different Ways to Psychotherapy Integration
  5. Eclecticism
  6. Differences between Eclecticism and Psychotherapy Integration
  7. Theoretical Integration
  8. Assimilative Integration
  9. The Common Factor Approach
  10. Multi Theoretical Approaches
  11. The Trans Theoretical Model
  12. Brooks-Harris’ Multi Theoretical Model
  13. Helping Skills Approach to Integration
  14. Evidence Based Therapy and Integrative Practice
  15. Future of Psychotherapy Schools and Therapy Integration

13 Psychotherapy with Children and Adults

  1. Psychodynamic Therapy with Children
  2. Psychodynamic Play Therapy
  3. Working with Parents
  4. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy with Children
  5. Behaviour Modification and Parent Training
  6. Individual Cognitive Behaviour Therapy
  7. Working with Parents
  8. Family Therapy
  9. Children and Young People in Family Therapy
  10. Brief Solution-Focused Therapy
  11. Narrative Therapy
  12. Psychotherapy with Adolescents
  13. Developmental Considerations
  14. Depression
  15. Interpersonal Therapy
  16. Anxiety
  17. Conduct Disorders
  18. Multisystem Therapy

14 Psychotherapy with Adults and Middle Aged Persons

  1. Psychotherapy with Fledgling Adults
  2. Life Stage Issues with Fledgling Adults
  3. Psychosocial Tasks of Middle Adulthood
  4. Psychotherapy with Young Adults
  5. Overview of Young Adult Issues
  6. The Psychotherapy Model and Young Adult Issues
  7. The Medical Model and Young Adult Issues
  8. Therapy for Young Adult Issues
  9. Psychotherapy with People in Middle Adulthood
  10. Parallels and Distinctions

15 Psychotherapy with Older Adults

  1. Background
  2. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy
  3. Cognitive Analytical Therapy
  4. Psychodynamic Therapy
  5. Interpersonal Therapy
  6. Systemic (Family) Therapy
  7. Reminiscence/ Life Review Therapy
  8. Psychotherapy in Dementia
  9. Therapies for Specific Problems
  10. Modification or Adaptation of Treatment

16 Psychotherapy in Terminal Illnesses (AIDS, Cancer)

  1. Terminal Illness and Psychotherapy
  2. Goals of Therapy with Dying Persons
  3. Therapeutic Approaches
  4. The Psychodynamic Approach
  5. The Humanistic Approach
  6. The Behavioural Approach
  7. Family Approach
  8. Major Therapy Issues
  9. The Psychology of Dying Person
  10. Emotional Reactions
  11. Cancer
  12. Aids
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